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Jan. 19th, 2017 @ 05:37 am Land of confusion
It seems that i turn to you...my dearest log when everything is all mixed up. Recently, i decided it may be time to move on from my current job and try something else. The biggest problem being idk what that something is. I am constantly confused about what I want. Who i am. I know i can pray about these things but I feel awkward praying for myself. Two days ago... i just could not deal and i prayes for God to help ease me and calm me down. It did help a lot. I got into it with my dad yesterday. Crazy thing us idk what happened. It appears he may have already in a bad mood and I just so happen to be his target. He will never apologize for what he did or said. I didn't sleep well. I ever got up earlier today. Im exhausted. What do i do? Every time I think about moving on, i think i need more structure and to be stable at a job. That that is the mature and adult thing to do. Im not a kid anymore. I onced asked my dad what to do when you dont like your job. He said he had jobs he hated but didn't leave because he had to support his family. Well im all alone.. this gives me freedom to move around. This freedom terrifies me. I doubt myself all the time. I always have and always will. I know i need to pray but that scares me too. Sometimes you get what you pray for....sometimes you get what you get. We dont have a crystal ball. Your decisions are half chance...so are everybody elses. But me.. i dont know if im willing to take that chance. My job has become a security blanket. All it isnt always cozy... i know it. I understand it. Im good at it. Why would you want to move on to the unfamiliar? Idk. That is what keeps me so trapped. What do i do? Is this what im supposed to be doing? Help me.
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pink
Jul. 15th, 2016 @ 01:07 pm Lonely days are here again
Current Mood: Depressed
I haven't been able to sleep. My feelings of emptiness are too much. I wonder if people know that the most independent of people are sometimes the most sensitive....most easily hurt. I think way too much. I thought i could try to let someone have my heart again. They didn't want it. I knew this guy is flakey. But i just so badly wanted someone to care for me. To be there with me. I don't make friends easily and write people off at the drop of a hat. My walls are so up....i like them there but at the same time...who is going to come in? He aint gonna fall from the sky. Im scared to feel things ago.....correction....to feel that way again. If you aren't fully committed, why do it?

I do it do im not lonely. I use people for love. I like the attention of men but won't commit. No man will ever love me for me....but at the same time...which one of them know me? I play who they want me to be.....but i still feel lonely. Probably because I know they dont want me....they want her. And me and her are not the same person. Ive hidden my true self so well, do i even kmow who i am?

I am someone who wants love so badly and is deathly afraid of it. I want to trust him....but i cant. I want him to not quit on me....but he will. Thats the thing about relationships, there is a 50-50 chance it wont work. Am i willing to take it? No im not. So im going to sit here and complain. Nothing will change. I don't have friends. No one who can listen to my pain and not psychoanalyze me.

A part of me wants to work through this....a part of me does not. Who wins? Probably the side who will sit at home all weekend sad. She always wins.

Ive been saved by a man before....but i think it aint happening again.

Please love me. Please find me. Please save me.
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pink
Jul. 6th, 2016 @ 08:54 am What to do
Today is not a good day. I feel lonely and sad. In times like this all I want to do is runaway. Runaway from life and responsibilities. The real world really does not allow you to do that though. I think about happier times. Just yesterday I thought about high school and my past loves. I cant help but smile. I think about work. I think about what I would want my work to be. I love entertaining people. But when you are devoid of natural talent....how do you do that. I like being on stage....front and center. Sometimes the limelight isn't for everyone and yet I dream of it so much. I had it for such a short spell. I felt the most confident I have ever been. It was like nothing else in the world mattered. Its funny when you look back at things in your life. You always seem to look at it through rose colored glasses. I dont know if I really liked it as much as I think now. I also dont know if it truly made me happy. Right now. I want it more than anything. What do you do? Where do you go?

I often feel that there is so much I want to accomplish but I will never get the chance. Who knows.
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pink
Apr. 5th, 2015 @ 09:03 pm 1 is the loneliest number
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Feelings and thoughts of loneliness seem to be all around me. I just think that most days that are traditionally "family" days always gets me in a funk. it doesnt help matters when u were in a funk before you got there. i went to church only to not feel comfortable. i think to myself what am i doing to change my situation. the thing i think is that i have actually allowed myself or invited people out with me at least once a week. i dont seem to find much change into my mood. work is just work and i dont find it at all fulfilling or feeding my soul like how it used to. i think that i probably need a vacation. i need time away and charge my batteries and spend time with my loved ones. i find myself missing my mom a great deal. i was just back home a few months ago but i didnt have enough time. i often told people that due to delays all i really had was 24 hours.

i find myself spending a lot more money when im sad. i try to fill the loneliness in my heart with stuff and it doesnt seem to be working at all. i really think i need to talk to someone. im not feeling well.
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pink
Mar. 28th, 2015 @ 07:47 pm milestones
The idea of milestones popped into my head as i logged on. I'm going to be 30 this year...30! i have no idea what i should have accomplished for myself by this age. we have milestones for our car, our degree plans, developmentally...etc but no wear does it say that you have to have accomplished x,y, and z. i honestly always think i should be doing more. i feel like i havent done anything with this incredibly privileged life i was given. i think of how many dreams i had and how many of them never got off the starting block. i honestly dont know who to blame...i guess i can blame myself because i didnt take the initiative to make sure they actually did something. i have times when i become obsessed with a project and sometimes i totally let it fizzle. once again....my fault. i think should i have found someone by now. then i think im not worthy of love. i was even thinking how ive hated myself for so long that i dont think i could re-program myself if i wanted. in counseling your beliefs are our beliefs because they do something for you. my beliefs allow me to not fall in love again. however the self-loathing...i really dont know what to do with that one. i hate myself because i do. can u think of a time you didnt hate yourself...what 5th grade and honestly who really knows how i felt back then. but i think i liked myself then. all that mattered was playing but in 6th grade everything changed..there were cliques and stereotypes. thats when i feel i really became different. i was a nerd... i may have always been one but that was the first time i felt like an outsider. at that age all you want to be is "normal" and i wasnt. i was a geek with long hair and glasses. i wasnt in gt or anything so i was sent signals of being too smart for regular class but not smart enough for the smart kids. still to this day i feel that way. sometimes people have conversations around me and i have no idea what they are saying. im outside. always outside. it is like a great deal of the time i feel lonely. i dont have anyone. and with that...ive got nothing else.
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pink
Feb. 16th, 2015 @ 11:49 am The feels
Current Mood: lost
Log,

It always seems that when I update this thing...its because I'm not feeling well. Today is one of those days. feelings of loneliness are all around me. i know its because i did this to myself. i dont allow people to get close to me. or if i do it's always superficial stuff...even then is that close??? idk. i honest dont. i dont know how to help myself. ive been this way so long you think to yourself...i cant stop. what i hate the most is when i hear...you never used to be this way. i cant out-rightly say why i am the way i am without an eye roll. yes the divorce messed em up and lance was just the icing on the cake. it was a long time ago...its so weird because i dont have feelings for him at all anymore but i still allow all that happened to have such a strong hold on me. ive done activities when I let go. but it's like it comes right back. i often tell myself...that letting go is not a one time thing but has to be done again and again...for as long as it takes. i think where im at now...ive just accepted it for what it is...a certain inalienable truth. being single is just a part of my dna. i cant compromise and...more importantly.... i will not. so if a person who will not change for anyone not even herself...then we are at an impasse. i really dont even know.....

i think another reason for my especially grumpy demeanor is being told he is coming...and he is coming as fast as he can. ive been told this for what feels like forever now. i allowed myself a hope an almost unending hope. when it didnt come true i was hurt. more then i told people. i gave up hope which is something i that also cant be undone. once hope is lost...it is hard to get it back. i dont believe people anymore or i smile and nod...thinking "yea right... i know better" this is also another problem. you are sending that out to the universe so it hears it....why should the universe send me anyone if i'm always telling it...no you wont. i feel that if the universe knows what was in my heart it would know that i did wait...i waited and i hoped and hoped as hard as I could given all the perimeters i can. does the universe know who am i and what is in my heart? if it knows me...wouldnt it know??? it's hard to really get an answer. do i think i know more than love does. i dont know. i know that the universe is a lot smarter than myself.
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pink
May. 20th, 2014 @ 07:27 pm dicating others lives
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: clickety clack of keys
I don't know if its my profession but I really really hate when other people try to dictate you....need to go out more....you need to change your personality....you need to go out and meet prince charming.

let me break this down. never in session will i tell the client what to do. thats madness. so if a paid professional never will tell someone the recipe of making their life perfect...people really need to quit that shit. i have now cut two people out of my life for that. this goes a long with what i wrote previously....if someone is pouring their heart out to you why interrupt that moment with criticism and shaming. its illogical. i want to say that and i never do. im still as much of a chicken shit as I ever was. i never stand up for myself. i find it easier to simply never talk to people again then to say how they hurt me. i get overly emotional...and what does that get me....a criticism that says....you really need to stop being so emotional.

i feel like if i can't win. i can't say whats in my heart because people judge you. and if you keep it inside...the poison becomes unbearable...like i feel right now.

i really want someone other than my family to love me for me. but it honestly feels impossible and if i hear....it'll happens when it happens once more...im going to yell at someone. the sad thing is...i know its not on my time. but seriously...havent I been through enough. haven't i earned it yet. haven't I paid my dues. i have loved so deeply that 4 years later i still feel broken. i know its not someone elses job to make me feel whole or loved and thats an inside deal...but truth is i truly hate myself. i don't see much positive in who i am. it's been going on so long that i can't remember the last time if ever i tolerated myself. i can't say love because i know that has never been there.

i cant even say i tried hard to change my belief systems cause i havent....so we are at the impasse. if you will not put in the work. you are going to continue being stuck here. even know i thought...what does this do for you? well, it provides me with rationalizations as to why im alone. if i am unloveable and im single...makes sense. im thinking what would happen if the belief changed. and i can't think...i may go out more. i may make friends. but what good are friends if you don't trust them. what good is hanging out with people you dont have things in common with. its all so confusing. then i think even further. ive tried to make a mends with old true friends but they have moved passed me. they have found real friends of their own. so what good is it...if i say i miss you and i would like to have what we once had. all ive ever seen is not even getting an answer to that question but i keep on. thinking ill get another chance. i havent yet and i dont know when ill give up but i keep on trying. i do think that i try really hard. to the point of exhaustion more often then not. i guess its cause ive always wanted someone to fight for me....ok correction....ive wanted the ones ive really loved to fight for me.
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pink
Apr. 30th, 2014 @ 05:27 pm same as it ever was
Current Mood: lost
Feelings of confusion. Feelings of not knowing. where do we all fit in this crazy little world. im tired of the online presence everyone is great and happy. no one will ever post what really happens. what happened to the days when a little feeling was ok. when did we become robots. i know i can't be the only one who is this fucking lost. i cant be the only one this scared of everything. i can't be the only one who doesn't like their job. robert told me that in the online world you portray the good and not so much the bad. and that is true. i only show my bad here. but its still not good enough sometimes. my supervisor told me to have friends from school that i meet with regularly. well honestly dude we dont have much in common after we graduated. and she looked at me crazy. i mean have i gone mental? friends are people you have things in common with yes? do things together? well if you have nothing in common that limits the activites you can do.... They I feel are some of the worse offenders of the everything is great rule. Our jobs are great...our relationships are great. there is nothing in my life that is off. dude come on! i can't be the only one who has feelings...worries...concerns
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pink
Mar. 9th, 2014 @ 09:09 pm (no subject)
i really don't know if its just me but i think about the future a lot. like a lot a lot. i question my career my love life. i honestly dont know which one i think of more. probably my love life. i have been alone for almost 4 years now. ive become accustomed to being alone. i do what i want when i want. i dont have to compromise. i think about that. and how important it is to compromise in a relationship. i honestly dont know if i have what it takes to be in a relationship anymore. i think about the hurt and betrayal. i dont know if i would fall in love too fast or not be able to fall in love at all. i even thought how i would probably freak out if someone kissed me. im a big ball of weird. i dont particularly think of myself as attractive. ive gained 30 pounds in 3 years. i eat my feelings or maybe i always have. i dont know if i have what it takes to be in a relationship. lance hurt me real bad. that along with pablo...im telling you i dont have another relationship in me. but if i really think about that...why do i fixate on a relationship possibility? i dont know. i dont even know if my heart is healed. i dont know.

i dont know who i am.
i dont know what im doing
i dont know where im going

all i see is someone who doesnt have shit figured out. im confused.
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pink
Jan. 4th, 2014 @ 05:09 pm new year...new.....
Current Location: home
Current Mood: confusedconfused
well log we find ourselves in 2014. as stupid as this sounds i was barely put on notice that next year i will turn 30...holy cow. i did this activity today that was a word find that told you things that will be in store for you in 2014. i found lve, happiness, and money. i remember feeling elated and happy.

then i really started to dwell on it.

love. although it will soon be 4 years since my last relationship i still dont know if i would be ok in a relationship. it has nothing to do with me missing my ex...thats not it at all. i no longer love him and in fact hope he never contacts me again for as long as i live. where the problem lies is that i loved him so much. dare i say more than pablo. it was very very real. probably the most in love ive ever been with anyone. i remember picturing our future together. i had never been more sure that he would be my forever. well life had thrown me an interesting curve ball. we had planned to take the next step and just like that...the rug i feel was taken out from underneath me. i never knew how much one person could not want to be with the other and yet still remain in a relationship for who knows how long. what my fear is...the same fear that has stopped me from even remotely pursuing another relationship is that. having the rug pulled from underneath you. i would often tell him. i love you with all my heart and all my soul. the truth is...i really did. when it was over....i felt as if i had died. i did for all purposes...depression sunk in. i cried a lot for the first year. yes...a year....i mourned for a year honestly problem year and half to two years. my fear is loving someone that much. had it all worked out that kinda love would be something that could keep a relationship afloat for awhile. but havin been in the deep love has me scared. i can't/wont put my heart through it. i lead a nun type lifestyle. i spent weekends at home. i do not have friends. i am alone. i've been this way for years. i have become comfortable in my new lifestyle. i often tell my mom...that 90-95% of the time...i'm ok with being alone. i dont have anyone to answer to....i have no ones calls to take. i do my job...i finished school...no distractions. i lead a safe life. i have become self-sufficient if that is the proper term for it. which leaves the remaining 5%. what is supposed to have the last 5% i'm not sure. my family, i'm sure. i dont know. i don't know if he's still out there waiting to meet me. but like i tell everyone...i dont know how he will find me if i'm at home whenever i'm not at work.

grace said that whatever you send out into the universe will be answered. if i ask the universe to send me a man....but don't really believe that i am capable of that kind of love or maybe to be fair that i deserve it. that leads the universe to become really confused right? exactly. i have this thing that grace gave me that is supposed to house all the qualities i want in a mate. it has been unopen for years. i've wanted to throw it away but what message is that sending the universe.

several months ago a girl i knew said i was being too picky in men. to which my response was i have been in many a relationship many with men...i did not even find remotely attractive. if ever i do choose to date again...i would like there to be a physical attraction. i've been attracted to only two boyfriends...and i've been dating since i was 13! i often don't think attractive men will go for me...i have low self-esteem. that is my problem...no one else. the self-loathing is so deep rooted that ive accepted it as fact and have not really tried to remove the negative self-talk.

i dont know if this entry was supposed to make me feel better or just put pen to paper but i still feel as confused as ever. is love possible for someone like me who really doesn't think it's in the cards for me. instead of having a bachelor i've become a hardcore bachelorette. what is a man gonna do for me that i can not do or pay someone to do myself. it's a hard order to fill. i dont know. i really dont. i do believe in love because i've felt it before. i love seeing people get married i believe in all that stands for.

i don't know. do you dear universe? do you dear log? if you find out anything please tell me.
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buffyx/love