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Jan. 4th, 2014 @ 05:09 pm new year...new.....
Current Location: home
Current Mood: confusedconfused
well log we find ourselves in 2014. as stupid as this sounds i was barely put on notice that next year i will turn 30...holy cow. i did this activity today that was a word find that told you things that will be in store for you in 2014. i found lve, happiness, and money. i remember feeling elated and happy.

then i really started to dwell on it.

love. although it will soon be 4 years since my last relationship i still dont know if i would be ok in a relationship. it has nothing to do with me missing my ex...thats not it at all. i no longer love him and in fact hope he never contacts me again for as long as i live. where the problem lies is that i loved him so much. dare i say more than pablo. it was very very real. probably the most in love ive ever been with anyone. i remember picturing our future together. i had never been more sure that he would be my forever. well life had thrown me an interesting curve ball. we had planned to take the next step and just like that...the rug i feel was taken out from underneath me. i never knew how much one person could not want to be with the other and yet still remain in a relationship for who knows how long. what my fear is...the same fear that has stopped me from even remotely pursuing another relationship is that. having the rug pulled from underneath you. i would often tell him. i love you with all my heart and all my soul. the truth is...i really did. when it was over....i felt as if i had died. i did for all purposes...depression sunk in. i cried a lot for the first year. yes...a year....i mourned for a year honestly problem year and half to two years. my fear is loving someone that much. had it all worked out that kinda love would be something that could keep a relationship afloat for awhile. but havin been in the deep love has me scared. i can't/wont put my heart through it. i lead a nun type lifestyle. i spent weekends at home. i do not have friends. i am alone. i've been this way for years. i have become comfortable in my new lifestyle. i often tell my mom...that 90-95% of the time...i'm ok with being alone. i dont have anyone to answer to....i have no ones calls to take. i do my job...i finished school...no distractions. i lead a safe life. i have become self-sufficient if that is the proper term for it. which leaves the remaining 5%. what is supposed to have the last 5% i'm not sure. my family, i'm sure. i dont know. i don't know if he's still out there waiting to meet me. but like i tell everyone...i dont know how he will find me if i'm at home whenever i'm not at work.

grace said that whatever you send out into the universe will be answered. if i ask the universe to send me a man....but don't really believe that i am capable of that kind of love or maybe to be fair that i deserve it. that leads the universe to become really confused right? exactly. i have this thing that grace gave me that is supposed to house all the qualities i want in a mate. it has been unopen for years. i've wanted to throw it away but what message is that sending the universe.

several months ago a girl i knew said i was being too picky in men. to which my response was i have been in many a relationship many with men...i did not even find remotely attractive. if ever i do choose to date again...i would like there to be a physical attraction. i've been attracted to only two boyfriends...and i've been dating since i was 13! i often don't think attractive men will go for me...i have low self-esteem. that is my problem...no one else. the self-loathing is so deep rooted that ive accepted it as fact and have not really tried to remove the negative self-talk.

i dont know if this entry was supposed to make me feel better or just put pen to paper but i still feel as confused as ever. is love possible for someone like me who really doesn't think it's in the cards for me. instead of having a bachelor i've become a hardcore bachelorette. what is a man gonna do for me that i can not do or pay someone to do myself. it's a hard order to fill. i dont know. i really dont. i do believe in love because i've felt it before. i love seeing people get married i believe in all that stands for.

i don't know. do you dear universe? do you dear log? if you find out anything please tell me.
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buffyx/love