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May. 20th, 2014 @ 07:27 pm dicating others lives
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: clickety clack of keys
I don't know if its my profession but I really really hate when other people try to dictate you....need to go out more....you need to change your personality....you need to go out and meet prince charming.

let me break this down. never in session will i tell the client what to do. thats madness. so if a paid professional never will tell someone the recipe of making their life perfect...people really need to quit that shit. i have now cut two people out of my life for that. this goes a long with what i wrote previously....if someone is pouring their heart out to you why interrupt that moment with criticism and shaming. its illogical. i want to say that and i never do. im still as much of a chicken shit as I ever was. i never stand up for myself. i find it easier to simply never talk to people again then to say how they hurt me. i get overly emotional...and what does that get me....a criticism that says....you really need to stop being so emotional.

i feel like if i can't win. i can't say whats in my heart because people judge you. and if you keep it inside...the poison becomes unbearable...like i feel right now.

i really want someone other than my family to love me for me. but it honestly feels impossible and if i hear....it'll happens when it happens once more...im going to yell at someone. the sad thing is...i know its not on my time. but seriously...havent I been through enough. haven't i earned it yet. haven't I paid my dues. i have loved so deeply that 4 years later i still feel broken. i know its not someone elses job to make me feel whole or loved and thats an inside deal...but truth is i truly hate myself. i don't see much positive in who i am. it's been going on so long that i can't remember the last time if ever i tolerated myself. i can't say love because i know that has never been there.

i cant even say i tried hard to change my belief systems cause i havent....so we are at the impasse. if you will not put in the work. you are going to continue being stuck here. even know i thought...what does this do for you? well, it provides me with rationalizations as to why im alone. if i am unloveable and im single...makes sense. im thinking what would happen if the belief changed. and i can't think...i may go out more. i may make friends. but what good are friends if you don't trust them. what good is hanging out with people you dont have things in common with. its all so confusing. then i think even further. ive tried to make a mends with old true friends but they have moved passed me. they have found real friends of their own. so what good is it...if i say i miss you and i would like to have what we once had. all ive ever seen is not even getting an answer to that question but i keep on. thinking ill get another chance. i havent yet and i dont know when ill give up but i keep on trying. i do think that i try really hard. to the point of exhaustion more often then not. i guess its cause ive always wanted someone to fight for me....ok correction....ive wanted the ones ive really loved to fight for me.
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