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Feb. 16th, 2015 @ 11:49 am The feels
Current Mood: lost

It always seems that when I update this thing...its because I'm not feeling well. Today is one of those days. feelings of loneliness are all around me. i know its because i did this to myself. i dont allow people to get close to me. or if i do it's always superficial stuff...even then is that close??? idk. i honest dont. i dont know how to help myself. ive been this way so long you think to yourself...i cant stop. what i hate the most is when i hear...you never used to be this way. i cant out-rightly say why i am the way i am without an eye roll. yes the divorce messed em up and lance was just the icing on the cake. it was a long time ago...its so weird because i dont have feelings for him at all anymore but i still allow all that happened to have such a strong hold on me. ive done activities when I let go. but it's like it comes right back. i often tell myself...that letting go is not a one time thing but has to be done again and again...for as long as it takes. i think where im at now...ive just accepted it for what it is...a certain inalienable truth. being single is just a part of my dna. i cant compromise and...more importantly.... i will not. so if a person who will not change for anyone not even herself...then we are at an impasse. i really dont even know.....

i think another reason for my especially grumpy demeanor is being told he is coming...and he is coming as fast as he can. ive been told this for what feels like forever now. i allowed myself a hope an almost unending hope. when it didnt come true i was hurt. more then i told people. i gave up hope which is something i that also cant be undone. once hope is lost...it is hard to get it back. i dont believe people anymore or i smile and nod...thinking "yea right... i know better" this is also another problem. you are sending that out to the universe so it hears it....why should the universe send me anyone if i'm always telling it...no you wont. i feel that if the universe knows what was in my heart it would know that i did wait...i waited and i hoped and hoped as hard as I could given all the perimeters i can. does the universe know who am i and what is in my heart? if it knows me...wouldnt it know??? it's hard to really get an answer. do i think i know more than love does. i dont know. i know that the universe is a lot smarter than myself.
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