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Mar. 28th, 2015 @ 07:47 pm milestones
The idea of milestones popped into my head as i logged on. I'm going to be 30 this year...30! i have no idea what i should have accomplished for myself by this age. we have milestones for our car, our degree plans, developmentally...etc but no wear does it say that you have to have accomplished x,y, and z. i honestly always think i should be doing more. i feel like i havent done anything with this incredibly privileged life i was given. i think of how many dreams i had and how many of them never got off the starting block. i honestly dont know who to blame...i guess i can blame myself because i didnt take the initiative to make sure they actually did something. i have times when i become obsessed with a project and sometimes i totally let it fizzle. once again....my fault. i think should i have found someone by now. then i think im not worthy of love. i was even thinking how ive hated myself for so long that i dont think i could re-program myself if i wanted. in counseling your beliefs are our beliefs because they do something for you. my beliefs allow me to not fall in love again. however the self-loathing...i really dont know what to do with that one. i hate myself because i do. can u think of a time you didnt hate yourself...what 5th grade and honestly who really knows how i felt back then. but i think i liked myself then. all that mattered was playing but in 6th grade everything changed..there were cliques and stereotypes. thats when i feel i really became different. i was a nerd... i may have always been one but that was the first time i felt like an outsider. at that age all you want to be is "normal" and i wasnt. i was a geek with long hair and glasses. i wasnt in gt or anything so i was sent signals of being too smart for regular class but not smart enough for the smart kids. still to this day i feel that way. sometimes people have conversations around me and i have no idea what they are saying. im outside. always outside. it is like a great deal of the time i feel lonely. i dont have anyone. and with that...ive got nothing else.
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