I haven't been able to sleep. My feelings of emptiness are too much. I wonder if people know that the most independent of people are sometimes the most sensitive....most easily hurt. I think way too much. I thought i could try to let someone have my heart again. They didn't want it. I knew this guy is flakey. But i just so badly wanted someone to care for me. To be there with me. I don't make friends easily and write people off at the drop of a hat. My walls are so up....i like them there but at the same time...who is going to come in? He aint gonna fall from the sky. Im scared to feel things ago.....correction....to feel that way again. If you aren't fully committed, why do it?
I do it do im not lonely. I use people for love. I like the attention of men but won't commit. No man will ever love me for me....but at the same time...which one of them know me? I play who they want me to be.....but i still feel lonely. Probably because I know they dont want me....they want her. And me and her are not the same person. Ive hidden my true self so well, do i even kmow who i am?
I am someone who wants love so badly and is deathly afraid of it. I want to trust him....but i cant. I want him to not quit on me....but he will. Thats the thing about relationships, there is a 50-50 chance it wont work. Am i willing to take it? No im not. So im going to sit here and complain. Nothing will change. I don't have friends. No one who can listen to my pain and not psychoanalyze me.
A part of me wants to work through this....a part of me does not. Who wins? Probably the side who will sit at home all weekend sad. She always wins.
Ive been saved by a man before....but i think it aint happening again.
Please love me. Please find me. Please save me.