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Dec. 14th, 2013 @ 08:52 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: confusedconfused
woooooo! where do we begin to begin on describing today. all of deep rooted things are here in my heart. i think to myself...are you ever going to let them go. but what i really do feel is that there are so engrained in my head, heart, and soul that I have no idea where to begin to remove them. you hate yourself for so many reasons that you dont even know if those reasons are your own...or if they began somewhere else and you just chose to run with them and turn them into your own neurosis. are the things you think of real or are they just part of your culture? i dont know. i dont know...i dont know. i have too many issues that are deep within me and i feel like it is just now im becoming aware of. trigger words if you will. wow oh wow countertransferance a plenty...so now that i have this information what do I do with it...once again...i do not know. how can this be avoided...what can i do to help should this happen again...i dont know
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ariel
Dec. 7th, 2013 @ 02:37 pm i am ted mosby
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
what can i say....its been a tough few days. i find myself incredibly depressed. it's always the shame shit too. a friend says they are married or pregnant and i just can't deal. it sends me down this really ugly spiral..thrown in some incredibly deep rooted self-hatred and you have the makings of a party. i look at myself and say hey your 28 now. no boyfriend. and i think how it'll never happen for me. i think of what grace says...i'm sick and tired of hearing about a person ive never met before. it hurts my heart. i know i often tell people how i dont think it will happen for me. and its not a feel sorry for me thing but it is a real belief of mine. so if i believe this in my heart to be true can i really blame the universe? whatever you think is projected onto the universe. so poof. no body. my heart seems to be gone as i've had enough heartache and have just stopped wanting to put myself out there. i stay in my apartment like a hermit...leaving only for work and food. how will he find me if im here. unless he's a delivery man...im giving a high chance it wont happen. i saw an episode of how i met your mother and i within 2 minutes turned off the tv and spent the rest of yesterday night in bed. ted saying something to the effect of since it didn't work out to have a wife then house then kids...he will just have to get his house first. i couldnt help but t otally understand his character. smosby believes after all of it. he continues to be romantic and thoughtful because that who he is. do i even have that left in me...i know i can...it is in there. but do i want to....i dont know. i dont know if ill try i dont even want to try now...because ive given up....no one has been able to make me change my thought process....so i still hate myself. i hate myself so much. it goes back so far that i dont even know why anymore. i think if myself so badly that i have no confidence. im quitting and like i said i cant change it. so we are here. im stuck and need help. may depression just seems to get worse everyday time. i hate myself for not going on meds when i had the chance. the only positive is me not drinking. so i have some level of awareness. so now what. i dont know.
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pink
Sep. 16th, 2013 @ 09:23 am a little scared
I find myself sitting in my apartment terrified. I dont know if im the one stopping myself from being great. I see all that needs to be done and i look the other way. Im questioning my skills again..a month out of the game feels like a year. Im scared...y am i stopping myself.

:/
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pink
Apr. 24th, 2013 @ 07:20 am of all the gifts we have been given
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Today has been a very very reflective day. which is kind of weird since it all just started. yesterday i wrote an incredibly heart felt letter to my folks and it felt pretty darn cool to be able to do that. im so close to people im close too (yes i know duh) but i just couldnt stand the thought of them not knowing how much i really do love them. you never know. this was just once more chance i got to tell them what they mean to me. i work up this morning thinking about all i have and have not accomplished. i think of lessons i would like to pass on. them being to be independent. it is possible to do most if not all life moments alone. youll have the support of family in friends for sure but standing along side you, you can still be alone and ultimately be happy of all you have done. its much like the zone of proximal development. we really dont know what we are capable of until we dont have assistance from others. or is it like erikson says in the initiative phase. if we dont try we ultimately dont feel good which could lead to feelings of shame and guilt. initiative is not a bad thing if you know what you can and cant handle.

as everything comes to a close, i do still have a pile of things i still want to do...travel, have a great career, love, write my children's book. im still young and maybe i will get the chance to do all of these things i just need to get over the presenting challenge and that is school right now. once im free of these time constraints who knows what we can accomplish. i remember during one LRE training they said we can accomplish certain tasks within reason and it always stuck with me. i dont know if i have many road blocks yet that would prohibit me from completing my goal. only time will tell. we must never be afraid to do what we must. i dont know if i HAVE TO TRAVEL OR HAVE TO WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK. does that change the constraints and methods of work and input? only time will tell...stay tuned.
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pink
Mar. 24th, 2013 @ 11:54 pm miracle question
Current Mood: lost
if you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had happened and you didnt know a miracle had happened what would you see that would let u know a miracle had happened?


well i said, i woke wake up with my perfect match. he would be loving, sweet, sensitive, and perfect. that would be the first. second, id get ready get ready for work, when i got to the office. i would be doing something that would make me happy. i would be in a career where i am helping people and having a blast doing it. i would have killer clothes and have lost weight. id be happy and content. i wouldnt crash and wouldnt hate myself as much or at all.

my miracle question. i dont know if many people would like that if their miracle had come true but that is mine. i am struggling a bit right now. my master's program is close to being done...and i realized that i dont want to do this anymore. i picked yet another wrong career path. this makes me feel like a loser and disconnected from myself. if i dont know myself well enough to pick a meaningful career...not wonder i cant get the rest of my shit together. i ask for change but do nothing to bring it on. how does one make luck or make the elements needed to bring luck on? i dont know...if everyone knew this wouldnt they bring their lady luck to themselves. its the same thing with love. if it was so simple everyone would have it. more questions than answers...blah
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pink
Feb. 1st, 2013 @ 09:46 pm 2018
Where to start...2018. i was observing a group and the group facilitator mentioned that she was married at the age of 33. i think to myself 33. i think to myself that is 5 years from now. must i sit by and wait 5 years for a true love? that just breaks my heart. i asked robert if he would ever consider marrying me and he straight up said no. i thought if anyone wanted to spend forever with me it would be robert. i was sadly mistaken. so i think, im just soooo off. ill never be able to live the happily ever after i dream about. i know this is weird but if I was married at 33, i think the possibility of children would be thrown out the window. i wanted some alone time with my husband before starting a family but being 33 and having kids at 35 or later is just not the life style i want for myself. id be starting menopause when the kids is 10 gtf outta here. i feel as if going the non-traditional route has put me behind in my life. sometimes i think, what may have happened if i would have married sal. where would be. would i have come to love him. i tend to do that. its bizzare. i know that not ever for a million dollars would i ever have said yes to ray and that is a decision im happy about damn near every day. i dont know if i hate him but trust me there is some residual things i have yet to unpack when it comes to him. idk we all get lonely from time to time. which leads me to think of axel and david. where would i be? who would i be with if all other things were equal. idk, idk, idk. i supposed i should keep my eyes on the prize that is May 13. its so close and who knows maybe ill find my love between now and then. i am worthy of love. real love. i want them to love me back and believe in me. i dont want them to be stuck up like lance. i want someone who will see me as an equal. i want someone who will spoil me rotten. i want true love. sigh...heres hoping
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pink
Jan. 18th, 2013 @ 09:01 am Self reflection
So I'm reading for child and adolescent, reading all of these things just make me think how far behind i am in this counseling game. is it me? did i not learn enough in class? or in fact, was i not given techniques that are applicable to a bunch of different populations? as much as i like military i wasnt exactly taught how best to engage that population either? im often told people are people, you just have to try a bit of everything and eventually you can stop on the "junhke" continuum and all will work it self out. but if you dont know where to start or even how to start how do you know even where on the continuum you are. i dont know if im just riding myself hard like i usually do, but i do think of just how much of a disservice i did to my clients last semester. i dont want to do that. i think what i wrote my internship professor, i want to learn. i want to learn. i do. how do u learn if supervisors and professors dont teach you. i really dont understand. i dont know if its because of my teaching background that it just makes sense. you observe then you do. not you learn and then you do. i suppose this can be considered hands-on practice but what about the people like me that absolutely dont learn this way. it is frustrating to say the least. i can hear the negative thoughts all around me but im trying hard to keep them in check as this was a new years resolution of mine. i can do it. i can do it. i guess one thing i can do, is seek out skills practice with one of my professors. what scares me is that they may think i suck and not let me do it. i also, dont want to be pressured like i was with dr. moyer. i didnt like being made to cry when im there for help. that what comes to mind when i think of seeking extra help. so im stuck again. but writing does make me feel better it kinda always has. oh well thats that i guess. guess i should continue reading. if i feel overwhelmed...u'll be here log. u'll always be here
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pink
Nov. 20th, 2012 @ 03:31 pm of all the things i know i know i dont know anything
well another holiday season is here and i'm incredibly thankful for all that i have in my life. i prayed last night and thanked god for all that I have. I prayed for the souls in purgatory and our soldiers overseas. i prayed so hard, i was filled with this peace. it was nice.

By August 2013, i will graduate with my masters degree. i still dont know how i feel about that. i chose a field that i thought i would like. a field that will help others. but the more i think about it, i want to continue to make a difference in the world. maybe I should try to work for a charitable institution or something? maybe i should follow through with the korea plans. i dont know. i prayed last night for god to show me the way. i have so many desires but i would really be appreciative if i could have a path. i feel like everyone else has a set life and life plan. i sometimes cant believe that people i know have done some many great things, or even have gotten married or had kids. as of right now, i dont see kids or marriage in my future. i do feel i will be that lone single girl. i often catch myself thinking about my ex. i think if ill ever allow myself to open my heart the way i did 3 years ago. i almost cant believe that its been that long. i dont know. i dont know my life plan, it is also safe to say that it is not meant for us to know what the lord wants from us. it will all come in due time. i have grown ever so impatient. i want to live the life i was supposed to live. what makes it the most difficult is being as old as i am and not wanting to know what i want to do with my life. i tell myself i have to quit messing around and do the "mature adult thing". if im not gonna have a family, then i should have a big kid job, 401k, house, etc. i want to prove that i can be mature and make everyone around me proud. i want to look at myself in the mirror and say... "you did alright". i ask you lord to please guide me and show me where i belong.
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agirlcandream/bug
Aug. 8th, 2012 @ 01:42 pm heartbroken what else is new
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
i was talking to Abraham today and all the thing that have happened since i had my first apartment made me remember so many things. mostly hurtful things. ive yet to unpack all of these things and the more im reminded of my pain the more afraid i am about my counseling skills. Since 2006, I've had 3 apartments, taught, graduated from college, started a graduate program, my parents divorce, and had my heart broken. Although I did love ray and lee, the pain i have experienced with lance still takes the cake. its been 2 years since the break-up and some days im so sad and other days not so much. much like their divorce I find myself ok some days and so sad the next. I still dont have much direction i life as least in my own opinion. i still dont even know if i want to still teach or do I move on. I want to help others this is true but I do want to do something I love. I know others have had more heartbreak than myself but I feel I've gone through more than most too though. so when you feel like no one understands you where do u turn. U turn to you my dear log. I know you are only a journal but its a way to decompress all of these emotions. I can say I miss Lance and you wont tell me I'm a broken record. I can say how much my parents divorce hurt my heart. I can tell you my worries. Here I am, still sad and would very much like to feel loved, to feel whole...complete. When I think about Lance, I wonder if we would even know eachother or if we would be strangers. Im putting my money on strangers. if we are strangers how can i feel as i do. he wouldnt understand me, and to top it off my trust in him is non-existent. how can you have a relationship without trust. you cant. i'm in love with the man from 2010...i feel he does not exist anymore. see my predicament. I wish so badly he would just gtf over himself and be with me. I'm waiting for him, and as much as I know he never will I wait. Like I said its because I have no one else to fixate my feelings on. What I wonder the most if...should that moment come and someone did propose to me...will I see Lances face? I miss him but I know what I did was right...but we really are tied to eachtoher. I knew it and I know he knows it too. I've never had a love that strong before. Or at least...not in recent memory. If i had the nerve to tell you...get over yourself and just be with me. tell me you love me and im the one. dont bother coming back into my life and backing on because of worry and doubt. you are in...or u r out....no grey no will they wont they. im done with all of it. i want someone who knows what they want. i want someone who will listen and make me laugh. i want someone I can trust. I want someone who will want to be with me forever. I want someone loyal and faithful.
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pink
Jul. 25th, 2012 @ 08:12 pm the world too big to conquer it all
Hey all its me again. I find myself thinking about my future. I went to my classmates house today and was blown away by the splendor and wonder of such a lovely home. I thought of its beauty to hear the sound of children playing etc. Now I think about other desires. The desire to travel the world and see cultures other then my own. I always wanted to teach English in a foreign land. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to do all I want. :'( It makes me sad. I want these things so badly. Will I ever get them?


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pink