i was talking to Abraham today and all the thing that have happened since i had my first apartment made me remember so many things. mostly hurtful things. ive yet to unpack all of these things and the more im reminded of my pain the more afraid i am about my counseling skills. Since 2006, I've had 3 apartments, taught, graduated from college, started a graduate program, my parents divorce, and had my heart broken. Although I did love ray and lee, the pain i have experienced with lance still takes the cake. its been 2 years since the break-up and some days im so sad and other days not so much. much like their divorce I find myself ok some days and so sad the next. I still dont have much direction i life as least in my own opinion. i still dont even know if i want to still teach or do I move on. I want to help others this is true but I do want to do something I love. I know others have had more heartbreak than myself but I feel I've gone through more than most too though. so when you feel like no one understands you where do u turn. U turn to you my dear log. I know you are only a journal but its a way to decompress all of these emotions. I can say I miss Lance and you wont tell me I'm a broken record. I can say how much my parents divorce hurt my heart. I can tell you my worries. Here I am, still sad and would very much like to feel loved, to feel whole...complete. When I think about Lance, I wonder if we would even know eachother or if we would be strangers. Im putting my money on strangers. if we are strangers how can i feel as i do. he wouldnt understand me, and to top it off my trust in him is non-existent. how can you have a relationship without trust. you cant. i'm in love with the man from 2010...i feel he does not exist anymore. see my predicament. I wish so badly he would just gtf over himself and be with me. I'm waiting for him, and as much as I know he never will I wait. Like I said its because I have no one else to fixate my feelings on. What I wonder the most if...should that moment come and someone did propose to me...will I see Lances face? I miss him but I know what I did was right...but we really are tied to eachtoher. I knew it and I know he knows it too. I've never had a love that strong before. Or at least...not in recent memory. If i had the nerve to tell you...get over yourself and just be with me. tell me you love me and im the one. dont bother coming back into my life and backing on because of worry and doubt. you are in...or u r out....no grey no will they wont they. im done with all of it. i want someone who knows what they want. i want someone who will listen and make me laugh. i want someone I can trust. I want someone who will want to be with me forever. I want someone loyal and faithful.